So just to start of, I am gonna tell you a few things about me and then it will make sense of why I was in the hospital. Alright so.. I am a cutter, I am suicidal, I see objects, hear voices, I have depression, extremely bad anxiety, the lowest self-esteem ever, I purge and starve myself. Why do I do this you may ask? I do this because it was a release of the the pain and it made me feel a little bit better so I kept on doing it. It mostly all started because of how much I hated myself, I had so much hate against myself it was literally unbelievable., I wanted to make my life end because I so horrible. I couldn’t stand looking in the mirror because I was fat and ugly, and I felt like my body image was just disgusting. . So because of that I took it all out on myself in different ways, like cutting,l purging, starving myself, and becoming suicidal. And I had been to the hospital about this all many times, like over and over but nothing was done, I was just put on medication, and at first it never worked, and I just got worse..
So recently I was sent down and was put in the hospital for self-harm and being suicidal. At first I was okay with entering the hospital and staying for a while. But then I actually realized I had to stay overnight in the children’s emergency, it was horrible. Everyone followed me everywhere. I wasn’t even aloud to go to the bathroom by myself. It sucked and I really hated it. After having at least 14 different nurses watch me for the day I was moved in to the psychology ward. At first it felt like torture being there and like I would never get out. I honestly felt like I was trapped. The nurse I had for that day was horrible, she was actually pretty mean, my mom and myself never got along with her. The first night in the ward my mom didn’t want me there at all and I agreed. I just wanted to go home, but I couldn’t. I cried all night long, even when my mom had to leave for the night. But my nurse introduced me to a girl named Sophie. She was so nice and we had a lot in common which was better, so after I talked with her for a while I felt okay being there. The next day I had a new nurse and she was just so wonderful. I felt like she knew me, and she made me think that I am so much better then harming myself and that I have many reasons to live, I really looked up to because of that and also because she told me that she went through the same things as me, I related to her a lot. Then the next day I had another new nurse and she was lovely. That day we had therapy sessions and it was really tough but I got through it, we talked about our problems and how we can try to solve them. Then I met with a psychiatrist and she sent me home that day. I was in the hospital for a week. She thought I was better being back home because I found way that i don’t need to kill myself, and I just needed coping skills for school and at home. But I am still on my medication, they raised the dosage and I can say that it is working now.
I see a mental health worker once a week, we work on my anxiety, just talk about life in general, and coping skills. I also talk about the same thing with my school counselor. Both of them are really amazing. In school we have many different coping skills for me if I fell anxious or feel like cutting. Also I will say that my confidence is slowly coming back to me.
But today I can honestly say I am trying to stop cutting, I am still taking medication and I use my coping skills all the time now. I can say that I will make it through no matter how hard my rock bottom is, I need to get myself back up to the top.
To whoever is reading this, thank you for taking your time to read my post. It truly means a lot and to the people who have helped me through and who are still helping me through, it means the world to me that your standing by my side fighting with me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It means so much to me. But again if you are reading this and you know someone who is going through a rough time, help them through it, be there for the, . And if your reading this and going through rough time just remember you are not alone, and it takes a lot of time to get better, but eventual l you, I still am getting better. So you will to. You have people who are here for you, even I am here for you! You are not alone and your loved my many. All you have to do is stay strong and keep fighting. ❤
If you have any questions you ask me them here or you can follow me on twitter and tweet me – @NicoleHuxter10 or at @LetItBeSift13 I will be more than happy to answer any question you have or to help you, or give you advice. Thank you ! 🙂