My Time In The Hospital

Published December 4, 2012 by Nicole

So just to start of, I am gonna tell you a few things about me and then it will make sense of why I was in the hospital. Alright so.. I am a cutter, I am suicidal, I see objects, hear voices, I have depression, extremely bad anxiety, the lowest self-esteem ever, I purge and starve myself. Why do I do this you may ask? I do this because it was a release of the the pain and it made me feel a little bit better so I kept on doing it. It mostly all started because of how much I hated myself, I had so much hate against myself it was literally unbelievable., I wanted to make my life end because I so horrible. I couldn’t stand looking in the mirror because I was fat and ugly, and I felt like my body image was just disgusting. . So because of that I took it all out on myself in different ways, like cutting,l purging, starving myself, and becoming suicidal. And I had been to the hospital about this all many times, like over and over but nothing was done, I was just put on medication, and at first it never worked, and I just got worse..

So recently I was sent down and was put in the hospital for self-harm and being suicidal. At first I was okay with entering the hospital and staying for a while. But then I actually realized I had to stay overnight in the children’s emergency, it was horrible. Everyone followed me everywhere. I wasn’t even aloud to go to the bathroom by myself. It sucked and I really hated it. After having at least 14 different nurses watch me for the day I was moved in to the psychology ward. At first it felt like torture being there and like I would never get out. I  honestly felt like I was trapped. The nurse I had for that day was horrible, she was actually pretty mean, my mom and myself never got along with her. The first night  in the ward my mom didn’t want me there at all and I agreed. I just wanted to go home, but I couldn’t. I cried all night long, even when my mom had to leave for the night. But my nurse introduced me to a girl named Sophie. She was so nice and we had a lot in common which was better, so after I talked with her for a while I felt okay being there. The next day I had a new nurse and she was just so wonderful. I felt like she knew me, and she made me think that I am so much  better then harming myself and that I have many reasons to live, I really looked up to because of that and also because she told me that she went through the same things as me, I related to her a lot.  Then the next day I had another new nurse and she was lovely. That day we had therapy sessions and it was really tough but I got through it, we talked about our problems and how we can try to solve them. Then I met with a psychiatrist and she sent me home that day. I was in the hospital for a week. She thought I was better being back home because I found way that i don’t need to kill myself, and I just needed coping skills for school and at home. But I am still on my medication, they raised the dosage and I can say that it is working now.

I see a mental health worker once a week, we work on my anxiety, just talk about life in general, and coping skills. I also talk about the same thing with my school counselor. Both of them are really amazing. In school we have many different coping skills for me if I fell anxious or feel like cutting. Also I will say that my confidence is slowly coming back to me.

But today I can honestly say I am trying to stop cutting, I am still taking medication and I use my coping skills all the time now. I can say that I will make it through no matter how hard my rock bottom is, I need to get myself back up to the top.

To whoever is reading this, thank you for taking your time to read my post. It truly means a lot and to the people who have helped me through and who are still helping me through, it means the world to me that your standing by my side fighting with me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It means so much to me. But again if you are reading this and you know someone who is going through a rough time, help them through it, be there for the, . And if your reading this and going through  rough time just remember you are not alone, and it takes a lot of time to get better, but eventual l you, I still am getting better. So you will to. You have people who are here for you, even I am here for you! You are not alone and your loved my many. All you have to do is stay strong and keep fighting. ❤

If you have any questions you ask me them here or you  can follow me on twitter and tweet me – @NicoleHuxter10 or at @LetItBeSift13 I will be more than happy to answer any question you have or to help you, or give you advice.  Thank you ! 🙂


This is Life.

Published April 8, 2012 by Nicole

Yes, I have many issues I got to deal with. I always act like everything is fine, and I don’t want anyone to think I am fine all the fucking time when I am really not. Yeah I sometimes want someone to come ask me how I am doing these days and hug me tight because they care. But no one does because they don’t know what I am going through, cause apparently I am perfectly fine. Only is people really knew, just if they knew.

My Inspiration !

Published January 8, 2012 by Nicole

Taylor Swift is my Inspiration! She saved me through the darkest times in my life, and even the good days, she just understands me. Ever since her music and herself became apart of my life I don’t blame myself anymore, most things happen for a reason, things do change, and dreams come true. One of Taylor’s songs will fit perfectly in any situation I am in which helps me out so much. I feel like Taylor knows my whole life inside and out because she can write any song in the world ad in some way I can relate to it. Everybody goes through moments they wish they have never went through and most that are long lasting and forever, there is a song for those. Taylor’s songs are like any girl’s diary, we write about breakups, happiness, love, good things, our fears, and moments to share. I love how she puts that out there, because now no one is alone. Her songs can help anyone. I love how I can relate to Taylor Swift so much, she is the perfect role model out there, I love that. She doesn’t do anything bad, she’s really sweet and the nicest person, and she is so down to earth. Taylor sets good examples to kids, teens, and even adults. Anybody is lucky to call her there role model, I am lucky to. I am not afraid to say she is, why would I? Everything Taylor has she deserves because she earned all of it. Seeing Taylor smile is like looking at an angel. Having  Taylor in my life is excellent, I accepted so many things in my life. I became a better person. And I now know everything is going to be okay no matter what I go through, there is always a good ending waiting out there somewhere. I know someday I will have my own love story. One day I will find someone who will take me for who I am. I am so thank-full for everything in my life, even through I go through tough times. She made me Fearless & told me to Speak Now!!! So all I want to say is Thank You Taylor Swift you’ve made my whole life so much better, and I will never be able to describe my love for her. I will never stop being a fan, I will be beside her FOREVER! ♥

Ending Of The Wave.

Published April 25, 2011 by Nicole

In the end of the wave. A lot of things went on. Most things the happened at the end, I thought would never happen. Also Mr.Ross does some thinking about the wave, does he stop it? What is going to happen between Laurie and David this time?

In the last few chapters Laurie actually went to a rally. Then she started to fight with a member of The Wave. She was telling him that just because, she doesn’t  salute doesn’t mean she isn’t allowed in the stands. Most of the wave members were complaining that the news paper were written about The Wave. And how bad it was, and it needed to end as soon as possible. Wave members were saying that it’s not a bad of a group, and no one should be saying anything about it. To me I honestly think anyone should be aloud to join if they really wanted to. For the ones that don’t join shouldn’t be complaining about it. Later in the book Mr.Ross and his wife have a talk, about how the wave needed to end. He agreed but never stopped it. Parents, teachers were complaining about how The Wave went to far.

One night Laurie was in school doing something.  The school was dark and when she got out to her locker.  She had found a not with a threat on it. She heard footsteps coming towards her, it kept coming closer, so she started to run. Laurie got to the doors they were locked, till she found the door beside it un-lock and safely got out. She made it out in to the parking lot still running. Then David was waiting for her to come out, he started grabbing  her and he pushing her down  because of what she said in the newspaper about The Wave. And how he says that none of it is true. David got out of control and pushed her down on the ground. After David finally realized what he have done to her was wrong. He started thinking about The Wave and how it has gone to far. David helped her up, and they talked about The Wave. The walked over to Mr. Ross’s house and told that he should really end The Wave. It was gone way out of control.

I think these chapters were good. I thought David was going to hurt Laurie even worse then what he did. He should of thought before he had done anything to her. I thought Mr.Ross was going to say something to Laurie and David to hurt their feelings about The Wave. But he actually agreed and put a stop to it. I thought that was a huge surprise in the book. Mr.Ross is my favorite character in this book. Until he took the Wave a little bit out of hand. Then closer to then end he went a long with them and everything worked out.

The very end of the book was a surprise I never thought to see Mr.Ross go up to Robert and say we need to talk. ( that’s how the book ended.) I didn’t like the way it ended. I thought it wouldn’t end anything close to that. But I guess I was wrong. During the whole book I had a feeling the book was going to end very poorly.

The Wave 9-12 .

Published April 19, 2011 by Nicole

In the chapter nine to twelve, a lot of things happened. Mr.Ross does an experiment, everyone takes it to far. Principal Owens had Mr.Ross in the office and talked about the wave. Laurie receives a letter from someone. She talked to David, and some thing came down between them. Laurie’s parents are concerned about Laurie with the wave.

So Mr.Ross is starting an experiment in class. He took it way to far, everybody is getting involved. The whole school is involved. They are even having a pep rally, Laurie won’t even attend. They spend half of their class time talking or doing something about the wave. Mr. Ross got called to see principal Owens. He started talking to him about the wave, and thinking he should stop with the whole thing, & he does not want parents coming down to complain about the wave. But Mr.Ross never thought the wave would get this far. Then their was Laurie started wondering about the wave ever since she got that letter from someone. They left it under the door. David walked in and asked Laurie is she was going to the pep rally, and she said no. They got into a argument and David broke up with her. She was broken inside. & she thinks the wave was a bad idea to start.

Response: Honestly I think the wave was good at first, then after everything went to far I kind of think they should of never started it. I think most students are getting carried away with this. Most of the kids are getting bullied, and they keep joining the wave. Mr.Ross should of not took it to this level. I thought Laurie and David would never break up. But she was getting pressured under the whole wave thing. David liked the wave. But he lost the girl he loves to the wave, because she only cares about herself, and needs to be perfect. The one part I thought was weird was when Laurie got that letter from someone. I think that was totally wrong, and made her worry even more about the wave, and she never wanted to. Their is so much drama in the book. But the book is great.

The Wave 5-8

Published April 13, 2011 by Nicole

In chapters five to eight, in my response it is moistly about what really happened through the chapters. Mr.Ross gets into a lot more research and ends up getting member ship cards for his history class. So many things happened with Mr.Ross in these four chapters. The characters seem a bit different then last time. especially Laurie. She doesn’t seem like the girl she was at the first four chapters. So I wrote about what happened and some things that I thought.

My response in chapters five to eight. Well a lot of things happened with Mr.Ross. He is still trying to figure things out. He still sits at home and researched about it. Everyday in class he doesn’t something different. Even the students are curious about it to. But not as much as Mr.Ross. He went from Strength Through Discipline to giving out membership cards of the wave. When he gets home and Christy, Mr.Ross wife. They talk about the wave because he is curious about it, and wants to find an answer. Then he gets Christy wondering about the wave to.  Laurie does not know anything about the wave, she gets picked on in class about the Nazi’s, concentration camps, and about WWII. She does not know any answer to the questions.

My favourite part in the book is when Mr.Ross hands out memeber ship cards to the students, and they have no idea what it is about. All they know it is abou the wave. They all look at the card funny., thinking why they have it. And wondering about the wave. What I think is going to happen next is that Mr.Ross is going to find a lot more information. Trying to get answers, and I think the class is actually going to help find this out to. I think Laurie is going to change a lot. I don’t think she is going to try to help Mr.Ross and her classmates out. She seems like she doesn’t like to help out a lot.